Gazing into the void once again...

And lo, the skies opened up, and with a moist, room temperature plop!, the word was out- Paris Hilton is returning to television. It was if an occult hand had decided to smack the easy button, rather than just release another god-awful sex tape or similarly god-awful CD. Of course, this project is the perfect fit for Hilton, as it requires no talent whatsoever. Paris Hilton is talentless in spades. See? They were made for each other.

According to Us Weekly, either MTV or VH1 will pick up the as-yet unnamed show, where Hilton is going to be searching for a new best friend. Because we all know that merely dating your ex-best friend's boyfriend's brother is just not going to fill the void. Insert your own Paris Hilton/void punchline here.

Don't worry, though. You knew once we got to bad, it was only going to be a hop, skip, and a jump away from worse.

Chris Crocker, whom the World Entertainment News Network called an "Internet comedian" in the article I read, has apparently bellied back up to the attention trough.

Crocker, the one person on this planet, this mudball I find even less funny than Tom Green, recently admitted that he would go straight if Britney Spears wanted to date him. First off, I don't think he could pull that off even if he wanted to. Not a chemistry thing, but talent. Crocker didn't even pass for mildly fucking amusing in his now-famous YouTube video, so I doubt seriously he could turn in even a one-star performance as a heterosexual.

Secondly...let's be honest here, for Crocker's sake. I'm not trying to be the spokesman for the cause, or anything like that, but I feel I can safely speak for every other straight man out there when I say...

Seriously, Britney Spears is not worth it. Stay gay and bang Perez Hilton instead. Both chubby, both grating on the nerves to the point of a small stroke, so you'd be keeping the annoying celebrity humping festival going, AND we can breath easy, knowing there is no potential for anymore annoying celebrispawn. Let the hardcore vagina enthusiasts whose thirst for danger (or social disorder) knows no bounds do the heavy lifting.