As the Third World turns...

For this, we head to Gambia, where two Spanish men were taken into custody after allegedly putting the moves on two taxi drivers, for the purposes of scoring some action. This is in light of recent remarks by the country's president, ordering all homosexuals out of the nation, threatening to behead any one found to be gay. Wow. Their tourism department must be disgruntled as all hell by now. Kind of hard to sell decapitation as a positive.

As always, I will allow you reading this a brief pause...for which to facepalm yourself.

I remember writing an article a couple of years ago marveling at the travel warnings to Saudi Arabia being updated. With everything and a half happening in that region, who in their right mind needed a warning about heading over there in the first place? Same principle here, and in abundance.

Not that I am a well-traveled person or anything, but maybe a good rule of thumb to follow would be to check to see what they will kill, or attempt to kill, you over, and if you can answer 'yes' to any of the questions, then maybe a good idea would be to find a better freaking place to vacation, and I really don't care that it was the cheapest place you could book on Priceline.

And besides, who in their right mind travels to West Africa to play sex tourist? Couldn't you just as easily trade all those frequent filer miles for a dirty needle and save yourself a whole great big batch of air travel headaches? Going to West Africa for a booty call is like going to China to protest human rights. It looks stupid on paper, and it will probably get you killed.

This is what Memorial Day has boiled down to...

I did not do a damn thing over the Memorial Day weekend, other than work the Saturday and Sunday at my B.S. job, then watch the Cubs blow two straight ninth-inning leads to Pittsburgh, of all teams, before settling in to do some work on the websites and watch the Law and Order marathon on TNT Monday. What can I say...it's a simple enough existence at present. Of course, like a huge chunk of the country, I can ill afford to go anywhere other than the aforementioned B.S. job, as if I could afford to take a day off in the first place, let alone a weekend to meander through the Midwest. Why not lounge around the apartment all day and work on some rants while the reruns are on?

With that in mind...I give you the "staycation."

Yeah, I hear you. What in the damn is a staycation? Glad you asked. Damn glad you asked. According to the Associated Press, a staycation is a vacation you spend at or near home. We actually needed someone to come up with a word to describe staying at home. Like simply saying "oh, I stayed at home, thanks for asking," is no longer sufficient. As dumb as the concept of "mancations" was/is, this cranks up the dial to 11, and then snaps it off and throws the dial away.

Yep. This is exactly how little there is going on in the world today. I pondered this over my first cup of coffee. And then my second cup of coffee. By my third and final cup of the morning, along with some strategic deep breaths, I had come no closer to unlocking the mystery of the staycation. Then again, it wasn't like I needed the 65-year old Indiana Jones or his $185 million budget to help me solve it. Then again, I wouldn't mind even a couple points of that box office gross when it is all said and done.

Near-miss great moments in customer service history

It could have been a great moment in customer service, but... A plumber in Takasaki, Japan was arrested for calling a food company's toll-free number 500 times over a sixteen-month time-span. The man did this because the woman's voice on the automated system apparently tripped his trigger, if you follow.


Wow. I'll never hear the phrase "Your call is very important to us, please continue to hold. Your call will be answered in the order in which it was received" in the same way again. If this poor guy hit his peak, so to speak, in the middle of the sentence, would that mean the date ended badly?


The company turned the police loose on the guy because the fascination with the automated voice racked up an extra 4 million yen (19,500 pounds- like 10 or 11 grand American) on their phone costs.


I'm sorry, but I call bull on this one. This guy makes the equivalent of one call a day, everyday, for sixteen months, to a toll-free number. While that's probably stalking by any definition or stretch of the imagination, how would it apply in this situation? A company opens a toll-free line, as they want their customers to be able to call, but what if every single customer called once a day, every singles day? Would the company expect the police to arrest all of their customers?
Not to mention the $10k or so over the sixteen months? That's like $625/per month. If the company is running that close to the line, maybe they should just torpedo the toll-free line and use the world-renowned, time-honored "one bad apple" excuse. As for our friend, the plumber? I think he deserves a spot in the Cheap Phone Sex Hall of Fame - Innovator Wing. I wouldn't doubt a bit if there actually was one tucked away in some corner of Tokyo somewhere.

It’s official...the worst thing they did to "reality" was televise it...

Same old story, same old song and dance?...reports have Aerosmith lead singer Steven Tyler in rehab now, and of course, the same rehab where Dr. Drew shot Celebrity Rehab- Encinas Hospital. Rumor has it Tyler is seeking treatment for a painkiller addiction. And I wonder, are we on our way towards a Celebrity Rehab: Rock and Roll Hall and Fame Edition? Ugh...probably so.

Meanwhile, whatever passes for the print media in Britain is all over the story purporting that Hell's Kitchen host Gordon Ramsay ate a dish containing the tip of a contestant's thumb during the taping of a recent episode. While I understand accidents can happen, what concerns me is the mainstream media is not picking up on the big detail, and that is...Gordon Ramsay has now acquired a taste for human blood! Man, oh gosh, oh gee, oh freakin wow. While I absolutely and without question loathe reality shows, and most anything connected to them, I can't help but feel sorry for future contestants. You thought getting a dressing-down from Britain's most profane master chef was bad enough, wait until he literally takes a bite out of someone's ass...betcha it happens during the next sweeps period.

As for American Idol, it wasn't like I gave two shits and a fuck about the winner (or any of the losers, hopefuls, fans, production crew...all the way down to the schmuck that brings them coffee and percosets during tapings) or all the inexplicable hype paid to the season finale. Like it's over. Like it is ever freaking over. Sure, the new episodes are over, and now all these drooling simps who watch this crap have to fall back on is the reruns. Me, I like to get in on the betting pools trying to figure out when Paula Abdul is finally going to go "all the way" crazy, resulting in her being out of a tree with a tranquilizer dart sticking from her ass like a lost bear in the suburbs. As for David Archuleta, the runner-up (as in you didn't fucking win!), I wonder if he's going to figure out his nutcase father is the reason his career isn't exactly soaring. I mean, he got booted from Star Search (which, if memory serves, you lost too) and now, after getting barred backstage at Idol, are you starting to notice a trend here? Maybe Archuleta will buy his dad a fat (I mean heavy fat) Zoloft script or something when he inevitably scores a record deal for being the second-best in the fans' eyes. Here's to hopin he lasts as long as what's his face, you know, the schmuck that won last year...only to fade quicker than the grip on reality the many, many pills (no doubt) provide for Paula.

But there is still hope. People recently polled as a part of Museums and Galleries Month picked the worst ideas of all time. Their choices?:

1. The atomic bomb.
2. Reality television.
3. Capital punishment.
4. Plastic bags.
5. The credit card.

Finally, a poll I can get behind. #3 is the only slot in the top 5 I can not agree with. Capital punishment is a fine idea, but to excuse the pun, the problems start with the execution of the concept.

Now that at least some small segment of the world's population-at-large feels reality shows are the happy medium between a lethal injection and a radioactive firestorm of death, I think maybe we have turned a corner, here. Forget global warming...no one is really all that interesting in saving the planet at this point (I think they are just trying to score hippie chicks), and ditto that when it comes to peace...no one is buying into that prospect, either. Maybe, however, just maybe, we can end reality TV in my lifetime.

I would suggest looking to the heavens, but you never know the answer you're gonna get anymore...

Okay...let me see if I got this straight...according to Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes, the director of the Vatican Observatory, believing in the possibility of extraterrestrial life does not contradict one's faith. Funes also says in a recent interview that the Bible "is not a science book," and that science, especially astronomy, does not contradict religion.


Huh? When the hell did this happen? From most outward appearances, at least in the mainstream, science and religion are presented as the cobra and the mongoose, but now it's all good? I'm sure there's some kind of motive in here somewhere on down the road. Oh...I'm sorry. I guess I should say I believe in the possibility of ulterior motives somewhere in this mess.


What I would like to know is just how arrogant is the Catholic church gonna get? You can believe in alien life forms, but not in condoms? While I'm no doubt sure one could, if they really applied their minds, come up with at least a hundred or so "sci-fi or science geeks not having to worry much about birth control in the first place" punchlines, could someone sit me down, whether from the Vatican Observatory (nothing touchy feely), or NASA, or some other big-time science concern or major organized religion, and explain to me exactly how this is supposed to make sense again?

Illegal immigration: to do something...anything at all...why is that even a question?

Sometimes you have to wonder why we are engaging in debate regarding illegal immigration at all. Sure, people across the country think this is an issue that needs to be addressed, maybe not right at present since the presidential election campaigns are in full swing, smoke screening away anything that could look like an intelligible stance in favor of trying to win over swing state voters, the women's vote, the black vote, the Hispanic vote...remember when politicians just competed for voters?

At the same time efforts are being ramped up in parts of the southwest United States, other factions or government bodies are doing everything in their powers-that-be to hamstring or deliberately derail any kind of enforcement that makes sense. Guess building a multi-million dollar series of posts for people to simply walk sideways through is the kind of common sense approach being eyeballed by the pro-illegal immigration forces.

In California, for example, the state assembly recently proved without a shadow of a doubt why I have absolutely no use for the state of California. I mean, if they slide off the map following the 'big one," fear not...the porn industry will live on in Vegas and Arizona, and that's just for starters. The state assembly defeated a bill that would have removed automatic protection for illegal immigrants who commit DUI offenses. For all the negativity the GOP has been getting this election year, I find it interesting the only two (TWO?!?) who voted for the bill were Republicans. The remainder...all Democrats...decided that merely driving drunk, hitting and injuring, maiming, and killing people was not that big a deal for their friends, the illegal immigrants. Remember this the next time you hear something about the "do-nothing Democrats," because you can prove them wrong, or at least in California. They may not do much, but they are certainly willing to ignore the safety and well-being of lawful citizens and drivers in their state.

Meanwhile, according to U.S. News & World Report this week, law enforcement agencies are increasing not only the number of arrests, but the number of prosecutions. Critics are saying this is increasing the burden on an already overcrowded court system, despite statistics showing a drop as much as 72% in the number of apprehensions in some areas in the Southwest, as well as driving illegal immigrants to cross into the country at a different location.

Illegally crossing the border elsewhere may account for the drop in arrests, but then again, one could also surmise the drop is attributed to less illegal immigrants actually being arrested, due to the bang-up job already underway in securing our southwestern border. I say that is cause for optimism. After all, if they are moving further southeast to cross, then eventually, if this trend were to continue, they simply would not be entering illegally at all, then would they? They will have run out of places to sneak across, ergo problem solved.

Ah, but therein lies the rub. Good luck even trying to arrest illegal immigrants without creating a giant controversy. In Maricopa County, Arizona, the infamous Sheriff Joe Arpaio is at it again, and the sad statement of that is doing his job has become classified as "being at it again."

Despite acting well within not only his legal authority as Sheriff, but an agreement with the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, Arpaio conducted sweeps in late March and early April, in which the Maricopa County Sheriff's Department arrested 150 people, of whom 73 turned out to be illegal immigrants. Of course you know, this has proved to be a problem.

Officials in no less than three Arizona cities have called Arpaio to task for this brazen and completely uncalled for action. The chief of the Mesa Police Department wants two days' notice, so he can "prepare" the city's officers for any unrest. What? Seriously? This sounds more to me like "Sheriff's Department conducting sweeps...look busy guys, don't want to give them the impression we're slackers," which apparently they are, since they don't feel like arresting illegal immigrants. Under a task force Arpaio created in 2005, the MCSD has arrested 900 illegal immigrants under an Arizona human smuggling law. Guess Mesa PD's too busy writing traffic tickets or hassling skateboarders and kids in pot t-shirts to worry about things like that.

Not to outdone by the Mesa police chief, Phoenix mayor Phil Gordon called for the Feds to investigate civil rights' violations. Gordon thinks Arpaio should be busy arresting people on outstanding warrants, not because they are "driving with a broken taillight or have brown skin." What a remarkable senseless statement to make. I hope they have term limits in Phoenix, because too much sun and too much self-importance together seems to be a really bad thing. Makes you dense. Listen up, Mayor Gordon, and listen as hard as you possibly can...driving with a broken taillight is illegal-a cop WILL pull you over for it. Your "brown skin" remark was crass, inflammatory, and smacks more of the political "grandstanding" than you and colleagues have been accusing Joe Arpaio of. Take a deep breath and go get some shade, Phil, let the adults do the heavy lifting here.

The hands-down winner in the "unfamiliar with the concept" derby has to be Guadalupe, Arizona mayor Rebecca Jiminez, who went so far as to state that the efforts of the MCSD were unwelcome. "We did not request them here," was how her honor put it, neverminding the fact that the town of 6,000 people rely on the Maricopa County Sheriff's Department for their police protection. The town is looking for a new police department to patrol its streets. I wish them luck. In a fair and just world, when the fit did hit the shan, and the town called the county sheriff's office for help, they would be told, "sorry about that. We do not take requests."

When video gaming and government collide...

Could it be considered a chilling development that Stephen King has emerged as a voice of reason? Probably not. After all, he is a fairly level-headed guy from what I understand (unless of course, you run him over or something), so I guess it wouldn't be too far off the mark to assume he would take the sensible side of an issue, as with his recent remarks in Entertainment Weekly regarding legislation pending in the Massachusetts House.

The bill would make it illegal to "disseminate material to minors that is "patently offensive." Hmmm. Sounds like some pretty broad wording there. How long do you suppose it would be, under this bill, before other, non-video game-related entertainment options, such as comic books, graphic novels, or collectible card games would be conveniently lumped into the "patently offensive" category?

Government-as-usual was all over this, which was to be expected, as this is hardly an issue dire to most Americans, let alone the people of Massachusetts, at present. Boston Mayor Thomas Menino first advanced the proposal, which in my mind goes a long way to stating a solid case on moving to Boston (and I'm a Cubs fan). I mean, if violent video games are the biggest pressing situation on the mind of the mayor, how bad can the place really be? Of course, in retrospect, this also goes a ways in explaining the freakout the city had over characters from Adult Swim's Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Menino's chief of human services, Larry Mayes, said that some parents, "despite their best efforts, have been overtaken by a culture of media saturation and outmaneuvered by very slick violent video game makers and their lobbyists who put a buck first rather than kids."

Alright, let's take a look at that. Media saturation is as media saturation does. That's why movies you wouldn't pay $1 in an impulse rack make $100 million+ at the box office. That's why Paris Hilton is never half a second away from anybody's field of vision or range or hearing. Most certainly, politics is no exception. To break it down for you, zen-style, there is no one raindrop to blame this flood on. Whether it's sex, drugs, violence, or any number of immoral or unethical things, you can get more than your fair share any way you can get your hands on it. TV, print, Internet, movies, music, advertising, campaigning...it's all the same, and Mayes should know as much.

As for being outmaneuvered by slicksters, that's a little pandering. Video games have ratings, just as television shows and movies, so I have little use for some parent's excuse of "we had no idea what they were playing." You wouldn't rent them a Jenna Jameson DVD, you wouldn't let them watch some Cinemax at two in the morning Saturday night, so why should the gaming industry take a hit just because you don't feel like reading the cover of a video game box! Slicker methods of getting over on people are used in Mayes' game as opposed to say, EA Sports or Neversoft. Lobbyists? He said that, lobbyists, and probably with a straight face, too.

Bill co-sponsor Rep. Christine Canavan (D-Brockton) feels when "someone with a developing mind and a developing sense of self is barraged with a particular thing, such as violence, that it would rub off the wrong way." Fair enough. I'm not attempting to state a case for too much of anything eventually being harmful, but ultimately, there needs to be some accountability on the customer half of the equation. That's where Stephen King came in, with his April 11th piece calling for parents to "have the guts to forbid material they find objectionable...and then explain why it's being forbidden," as well as "monitor their children's lives in the pop culture- which means a lot more than seeing what games they are renting down the street."

That's the chilling development, more or less...for all the hand-wringing by negligent parents and self-important politicians, apparently we just need more people thinking along the lines of Stephen King, even though common sense is the real horror story to some in the end.

Ah yes...the first week of spring

Naturally, the meteorologists in the area had been calling for an eighty percent chance of precipitation over the next two days. Such is the first week of spring in the Ohio Valley. Fortunately, we seemed to be, at least for the time being, out of the stage where you still had to scrape your windows, so the idea that it rained all night long failed to affect me, however, along with the drizzle that greeted me was a special little treat on the hood of my car. A coke can.

When I first saw the pop can, with thin grey rivulets steaming down the front of my car, betraying its second life as an ashtray, I was slightly amused. On mornings much like this, I wind up stopping at the end of the street leading into the complex and setting one of the previous days' pop cans out, so I can not only enjoy my tasty beverage, but so the other can can fulfill its destiny as my ashtray for the next twenty-four hours. Don't ask me how I wound up with a car with no ashtray.

Yep, I know what you may be thinking. What a prick, littering like that. So what? What everyone else calls littering, I call providing a valuable side income for the homeless population in southern Indiana, industrious scouts, or people slightly more proactive in their environmentalism that it apparently doesn't faze them to wander around in the rain like an absolute dolt. I probably recycle 96% of the aluminum cans I use, so it's not as though I cruise aimlessly through the streets, showering the bi-state area with all the garbage in my car. I just employ the other side of the fence on occasion, depending on weather.

I know a member of the maintenance crew at the apartment complex was not to blame, so it boiled down to some busybody schmuck picking up the can, waiting for me to return from work and any other number of misadventures or mundane daily functions of life I go through in the course of my day so they can wait until cover of nightfall and rain to place the can on my car, in some quarter-assed attempt at being clever. Sounds to me like someone has seen way too many Truth commercials. Someone should really let the person know that unlike Truth commercials, the end result would not be the most lop-sided red-ass beatdown of your presumably adult life, along with a vandalism charge, should I ever catch the low forehead trying his (or her) hand at prop comedy. I'll even bet the little son (or daughter) of a bitch is overly concerned at how Tyson treats chicken in its production plants, too. Like anyone really gives a damn, just as long as they didn't do anything toxic or sexual to the chicken, then shut up and pass the drumsticks. People who want omelets but protest the treatment of the eggs are generally of less than no consequence to me.

With that spirit in mind, I jumped in the car, ready to tackle, or in all likelihood, be tackled by the world-at-large from the moderate comfort of my bullshit cubicle. Of course, I had done nothing with the can, so inertia eventually took over, sliding the can off the hood and back into the parking lot. I mean, fucking seriously, did the person involved believe way down in their heart of hearts that I would stop what I was doing, take the pop can and toss it in the dumpster, a mere twenty, maybe twenty-five feet from where I was parked, palmface myself and vow to turn over a new leaf over their "witty" little statement? The can still wound up on the ground, so was the energy and effort worth it all in the end? Nice epic fail, Douchebag.

Children of an even lesser god?

I've said it before, and after reading this story, it bears repeating- the worst thing to ever happen to religion was the organization of it. When you have gaggles of people...we'll call them the faithful, running around to gain some measure of faith from an "image" of the Virgin Mary or of Christ on a fucking toaster bagel, even those hints of a higher purpose seem to go by the wayside.

Now comes word of a new vision drawing flocks of people on a mission to lay eyes on a "miracle." I know what you are probably thinking at this point. Pray tell, what manner of delicious breakfast food or tasty snack cake did a religious icon deliver divine intervention upon?

There's the problem. This story takes place in India, so it's not a food. The only food they pray to is perfectly content to watch them die of starvation, but appreciates the heck out of the prayers. Nope, the faithful in India don't have time to find food they can't eat for fear of damnation (or bad karma...I forget how that works), they needs a big-time vision, something that can't be easily dismissed like a piece of toast or some mold on the door of a fridge.

So what relatively mundane object did everybody get thee in front of and stare it with breathless hope? Would you believe the fucking sun? Somehow, I can believe this, as well as I can believe that nearly fifty people have blinded themselves what could either be called a stunning example of God's cruel design, or fits of dumbass rapture. The Kottayam district has reported patients streaming in with burnt retinas from eyeballing the sun. Churches have lept into action, warning their congregation of the downside to sungazing. I have to wonder, though, how many people are actually listening. I mean, what does the church know about miracles?

The image is reported to appear in the sky over the house formerly owned by a hotel owner. Of course, this guy had also said, at one time, that he had statues of the Virgin Mary that cried honey and bled oils and perfumes, so everything seems just a tad coincidental there, and last time I checked, a coincidence is a far cry from a miracle. All I can advise the people in that part of the third world, I mean India, is that next time you see the light, just nod and move on...no sense blinding yourself just because you're a god-fearin person and all.

Gazing into the void once again...

And lo, the skies opened up, and with a moist, room temperature plop!, the word was out- Paris Hilton is returning to television. It was if an occult hand had decided to smack the easy button, rather than just release another god-awful sex tape or similarly god-awful CD. Of course, this project is the perfect fit for Hilton, as it requires no talent whatsoever. Paris Hilton is talentless in spades. See? They were made for each other.

According to Us Weekly, either MTV or VH1 will pick up the as-yet unnamed show, where Hilton is going to be searching for a new best friend. Because we all know that merely dating your ex-best friend's boyfriend's brother is just not going to fill the void. Insert your own Paris Hilton/void punchline here.

Don't worry, though. You knew once we got to bad, it was only going to be a hop, skip, and a jump away from worse.

Chris Crocker, whom the World Entertainment News Network called an "Internet comedian" in the article I read, has apparently bellied back up to the attention trough.

Crocker, the one person on this planet, this mudball I find even less funny than Tom Green, recently admitted that he would go straight if Britney Spears wanted to date him. First off, I don't think he could pull that off even if he wanted to. Not a chemistry thing, but talent. Crocker didn't even pass for mildly fucking amusing in his now-famous YouTube video, so I doubt seriously he could turn in even a one-star performance as a heterosexual.

Secondly...let's be honest here, for Crocker's sake. I'm not trying to be the spokesman for the cause, or anything like that, but I feel I can safely speak for every other straight man out there when I say...

Seriously, Britney Spears is not worth it. Stay gay and bang Perez Hilton instead. Both chubby, both grating on the nerves to the point of a small stroke, so you'd be keeping the annoying celebrity humping festival going, AND we can breath easy, knowing there is no potential for anymore annoying celebrispawn. Let the hardcore vagina enthusiasts whose thirst for danger (or social disorder) knows no bounds do the heavy lifting.

Exorcism: back and better than ever!!!

You know how it is with these retro crazes, like all the stuff from the 70s coming back into vogue, for whatever reason. Now, exorcisms are back and better than ever in Europe. Where modern times had relegated the religious rite to movies like, well, The Exorcist, and lesser, more god awful fare like The Exorcism of Emily Rose, stories are emerging of a renewed emphasis on exorcisms and exorcist training. You can tell when a trend is ready to break big time when a celebrity imports it over with them. Britney Spears, for example, is rumored to have brought in an exorcist to battle her inner demons. Personally, makes more sense than hanging around Dr. Phil.

I could only imagine the exorcism of Britney Spears. Bring me a young priest, an old priest, thirteen priests to shoot pictures and shout asinine questions at her, one priest to get run over somehow, three priests to perform talking head duty on the late night news shows, one priest to tape a crazily overemotional video plea for YouTube, one priest to replace that priest when he scores a production deal and heads off for a press junket, and naturally, one priest to steal what's left, if any, of her homemade porno stash. Oh well. I suppose we'll have to wait until E! or Bravo launches Celebrity Exorcism this fall. Probably. Hear they've got Tom Sizemore and Jonny Fairplay for the pilot...

And what can we attribute to the sudden resurgence in the poularity of the rite of exorcism? God only knows, and He's been doing His level-headed best to keep Pat Robertson away from any significant media outlets. The Vatican revised and reinstated exorcism in 1999, after nearly 400 years on the shelf. Not even going to bother to ask why anyone, let alone the Vatican felt this was necessary, as the actions of fundamentalists have failed to surprise me for three or four years (or more) now. Then again, when you see an era in organized religion where you have churches being sued for excessive force by their security (you read that right- Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky has two such suits in the works against them), I suppose drastic measures may be needed.

Of course, you may be asking yourself "I don't know. Is exorcism right for me? Should I ask a doctor if I'm healthy enough for religious activity?" Man, I hope you are not asking yourself that. Seriously. If so, try looking under "padded wallpaper" in the yellow pages.

Warning signs, according to Rev. Wieslaw Jankowski of the Institute for Studies on the Family in Warsaw, Poland, include leaving the church for New Age therapies or alternative religions, becoming a yoga devotee, or addiction to the Internet. Yeah, I hear you, there. I have often said the road to hell is paved with pilates. Only a very small number attain "full" possession, where they talk in tongues, gain super strength, or think they are a recording artist.

Of course, as with anything, there is the easy way and the hard way. Much is made of the negatives associated with exorcisms, especially when dealing in hard exorcisms, where most injuries, sexual abuse, and the occasional death come from. The norm seems to be the "soft" exorcism, entailing holy water, sacrament, and scripture reading, which can take up to several hours, depending on the attention span of all parties involved, I imagine. Heck of a way to spend a Sunday afternoon, I'll grant you, but you have to have something to do in that awkward pause until football season starts up again.

There have been conflicting reports on whether or not the Vatican is fully behind the new exorcism initiative, with one Vatican official denying any such movement to train more exorcists. At the same time, there are concentrated efforts underway in Australia and Europe, where a center dedicated to preforming exorcisms is being planned. There is even an International Congress of Exorcists, a convention of practioners now in its fourth year. That's gotta be the wildest week ever at the Budget Inn.

Rev. Gabriele Amorth, 82, for example, is the Vatican's Exorcist-in-Chief. Why would there be need for a Chief Exorcist if there is no exorcism drive underway? Seriously, from what I am seeing, it does not appear to be an honorary title, as Amorth says he conducts exorcisms daily in Rome. Wow. Wonder if they still have a couple of Inquisitioners hiding in the shadows, dishing out Pulp Fiction-style Catholicism. Amorth himself in interviews have confirmed the plans being kicked around, saying ideally each diocese would have a group of priests trained in exorcism. Again, wow. Who would have thought the Exorcist-in-Chief would be a loose cannon?

Rev. Amorth went on to say that "people don't pray anymore, they don't go to church, they don't go to confession. The devil has an easy time of it. There's a lot more devil worship, people interested in satanic things and seances, and less in Jesus. Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the devil. You have to hunt high and low for a proper, trained exorcist.

I hear ya, Padre. Glad to see someone's kicking around a No Exorcism Left Behind program at long last. What the heck, if there's enough room in the market, I'll even volunteer to serve as the "celebrity exorcist" for the aforementioned reality show premise. I am already ordained (since 1999) thanks to the Internet, the Universal Life Church, and my printer, and my technique is flawless. The perfect technique for curing celebridemonic behavior. It involves a powdered hand and repeated smacks in the face. If that doesn't pan out, I'll launch my new "exorcism-by-email" service, but house calls run by-the-hour or by-the-pound, depending on the case.

Go in peace.

Another Great Moment in Oration...

It's over.

Stick a fork in Sen. Hillary Clinton, she's done.

Senator Barack Obama will win the Democratic presidential nomination, and the the Presidency. This has been all but assured.

But, Dr., you ask, how do you know this?

During a recent speech in Texas, the Illinois senator, suffering from a cold, took a moment to blow his nose, at which point, the reported near capacity 17,000 people in attendance at Reunion Arena applauded. Sure, it was described as "slightly awkward," by John McCormick of the Baltimore Sun, but still, a stunning display of holding the crowd in the palm of your hand, not unlike a slightly used tissue.

Why the hell does Obama need speechwriters at this point, or massive Internet fundraising efforts? At this point, all he needs to do is tape a commercial of him blowing his nose, and he can pretty much sail to the White House with a full war chest, and hopefully some Vitamin C. Look for him to pick up another Grammy next year, for an album of him clearing his throat, accompanied by Herbie Hancock.

May just be the absolute saddest fucking thing I have ever read. 17,000 people being moved to applause, by someone blowing his nose, even for Texas, is depressing.

Just wait for everyone else to start stealing THAT line.

Do you still "heart" NY even though you can't express that emotion on a disposable lighter?

I love stop smoking campaigns. The asinine, overblown, emo, condescending, in-your-face ads have helped further the mystique that no matter how bad the facts are, no matter how much dog and pony show they can jam into 30 second spots for endless replay during America's commercial breaks, people are still going to smoke. I myself am smoking a cigarette while writing this article (mmmm, fine Kentucky blend), but fear not, I am also employing the common courtesy to slowly pile on the inevitable in the comforts of my office, in my own home.

Of course, our governments sprang right into action, suing every company that made something that even remotely sounded like tobacco like it was a "2 for the price of 1" sale. That the giant tobacco settlement went largely elsewhere rather than smoking prevention efforts was less than surprising. But some states are pulling themselves up by the bootstraps, knuckling down, and rising above the cliche to actually try to do something about it.

New York state, for example, sells ashtrays and disposable cigarette lighters with the iconic "I heart NY" logo on them. Damn, hold up a second here. My fault, that's more the enabling side of the equation. While New York has been raking in the dough from the, ahem, "tobacco accessories" (my apologies to head shops everywhere), over $1 million a year now, it seems like even more of the irony is lost when you consider New York spends $87 million per year on smoking cessation promotion and treatment.

Naturally, there are complaints, to be sure. Milton Glaser, who designed the world-famous logo, said he never would have approved the deal. See what happens, kids, when you do not control the copyright? The result of complaints? Inevitably, the yes-holing begins. A yeshole for New York Health Commissioner Richard Daines said it was "wrong to use the beloved "I heart NY" brand to promote smoking, the number one killer of Americans," and a yeshole for Empire State Development, who oversees the New York Department of Economic Development, the agency that manages the copyright, said the whole problem was the Pataki administration's approval of the contracts, and department lawyers were working "to end the practice as soon as possible."

First off, what is the complaint here? While New York should be applauded, I guess, for coughing up the dough to help prevent smoking each year, should they not also be applauded for raising revenue through something other than taxes? Granted, this is not the best profit margin I have ever seen from playing both sides of the fence, but there is ground to be made up in the budget form that $87 million, and people are going to throw a fit over disposable lighters? Never have seen a self-lighting candle...Why shouldn't New York sell knick knacks with their brand(s) on them?

Obviously, someone buying an ashtray is going to fall into one of two categories, a smoker, or a non-smoker buying a gift. These people are immune to the argument, as smokers arent generally going to care what's on an ashtray, just so long as it's not flammable, and non-smokers have no need for smoking prevention, other than their own free will. Buying an ashtray when you are trying to quit smoking may seem like spending your last five bucks on a wallet, but if that money, in some small way, makes up for the money New York is spending to put your habit out of business, then doesn't the whole argument seem like a bunch of smoke? It would have been smoke and mirrors, but the "I heart NY" mirrors are on back-order...

Next time, just shave your head...at least you'll live through it...

I have said for years that the Food and Drug Administration is, for the most part, worthless, a wind-sock in a land devoid of breeze. For every report of tainted Chinese crap hitting the mainstream media last year, I swear I could count three or four commercials touting some cockamamie (no pun intended) erectile dysfunction treatment or psuedo-trendy diet pill, carrying that world-famous disclaimer. You know the one, about how none of the statements in the ads have been "verified" by the Food and Drug Administration." Never have recieved an answer as to what it is the FDA is doing where they don't have any timne left to raid the late-night medicine cabinet.

To be fair, when the FDA more or less, sort of kind of gets one right, they deserve a little notice, more or less. Sort of kind of. In a letter the FDA issued in December, concerns were stated over the information Morton Grove Pharmaceuticals was using in web and print advertising of its head lice treatments containing lindane, an agricultural insecticide banned for use as such by the EPA in 2006. Morton Grove is the only manufacturer of lindane in the United States. I'm far beyond the point in my digestion of 21st century life where I question how a banned insecticide is useful as a scalp treatment, but there for the grace of blind consumerism, go I.

Despite the fact that hospitalization, seizures, and even death have been reported from the use of Lindane Shampoo and Lindane Lotion, nearly ten percent of the prescriptions for head lice treatments written in 2007 were for lindane-based treatment, over 166,000. To clarify, the hospitalization, seizures, and death are listed on the warning label, by the FDA's own requirements. Ask your family doctor, just out of sheer morbid curiousity, what he or she would prescribe, and see what they answer. Be cure you have a Yellow Pages handy, just in case.

While Morton Grove Pharmaceuticals has suspended promotion of their Lindane products, at the request of the FDA, to allow the company time to develop new marketing materials, I find it a half-bubble past the center of sanity the products are even still allowed on the market. One of the statements the FDA, miraculously, took issue with was one by Morton Grove that the effective treatment requires two treatments. When the FDA calls something "extremely alarming," you know they have actually been paying attention, or at least we should hope...

Morton Grove president/CEO Kurt Orlofski ventured beyond what I normally consider yes-holing, stating "the FDA has had a number of occasions to review the safety and efficacy of product and keep it or pull it: they have kept it on the market, it's an important second-line therapy." As I have mentioned in the past, the fact I have "Dr." infront of my name is irrelevant. I bought that honorary degree online for $40, fair and square, but I'm still willing to argue the importance of lindane as a treatment, and regardless of how many FDA yes-holes bleat in the background over how benefits outweigh risks, yeah, yes, hell yes I am willing to argue against rubbing a banned agricultural insecticide on some kid's scalp, anybody's scalp once, let alone a second time.

When a government agency's standard operating procedure seems to land somehwere in the grey area between "what you don't know won't hurt you," and "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," then it seems even more so that arguments like mine are made for me.

I cannot blame this kid one bit...

While you know some things just have to be coincidental, there is no denying eh guilty pleasure of connecting those events into some half-assed conspiracy theory or freak sequence of one things invariably leading to the others. Such is the case with two stories we clearly blame on Hannah Montana, Disney's inexplicable cash avalanche.

While the show has inspired such asinine behavior as inventing a fictitious fallen U.S. soldier, and has been harnessed by the Republicans for fund-raising, you knew the scourge was bound to spread, and inevitably, onto the big screen. While I am still trying to fathom the fact 27 Dresses has made $45 million as I am writing this, which just tells me a lot of guys took a bullet in the name of getting lucky the past two weekends, this was almost too much to bear, like that half-nauseous feeling a heavyweight fighter must feel as he is staggering around just as the knockout punch is on its way.

Haven't we suffered enough this year already? 27 Dresses, Blonde Ambition, Blonde and Blonder (the Pam Anderson-Denise Richards blockbuster that has raked in over thirty-five grand in just two weeks), and now this? What can we expect next, a buddy cop flick with Tom Green and Pauly Shore? Larry the Cable Guy as MacBeth? Another seventeen "comedies" stealing (and failing with) the "little friend" bit from Scarface? Makes me want to take a Taco Bell spork, jam it in my eyes, and give it a twist.

Overwrought? Perhaps a bit. I'm sure many of you were thinking the same thing, but didn't feel like peeling away from this magnificent column and other worth pursuits, like looking for new Britney upskirt pics, however it was you managed to cope with or internalize the word of a Hannah Montana movie on the horizon. I would sincerely hope you held together better than the unidentified teenager who went just a bubble off-center, forcing Southwest Airlines Flight 284 form Los Angeles to land in Nashville, Tennessee January 22.

While both yesholes from Southwest Airlines and Nashville International Airport confirmed there was an "incident," and a passenger was removed and detained by authorities, obviously little more was said, as the passenger involved was a minor. Television stations WSMV and WTVF in Nashville, however, reported from an unnamed source the teenager boarded Flight 284 in L.A. in possession of handcuffs, duct tape, and rope in a failed bid to hijack the plane and crash it into a venue in Layfayette, Louisiana, where a Hannah Montana concert was scheduled to be performed.

See what I mean? Where I was merely content to write some amusingly sarcastic remarks about the Hannah Montana character and other ills of entertainment, others are more inclined to try and jackmove a pasenger jet and take out an arena. The question I need answered at this point, more so than why a teenager was quite that wound up over the Miley Cyrus character, was how an unaccompanied teenager boarded a flight at LAX with handcuffs, duct tape, and rope? Never heard of a S&M bonus in the Mile High Club, but now it kind of makes me wonder if that hasn't been tried before...

Is this the beginning of a new, mass-marketing enabled teenage crime wave? Are we to expect bank heists in the future to finance a counter-strike against the producers of High School Musical 3? To paraphrase the great Kent Brockman, I for one welcome our new teenage criminal overlords...I just wish they would stay off my lawn...

Don't bother giving them an inch...apparently they are doing just fine with a Miley

Not that Hannah Montana isn't already bad enough, now the Disney cash avalanche is being harnessed by the Republicans. The National Republican Senatorial Committee got their mitts on some tickets, offering them up to the members of the brood willing to raise or donate ten grand. A NRSC yeshole confirmed the success of the event, with a take nearing six digits when it was all said and done.

Holy damn. Not only are people willing to sink to new and exciting levels of depravity (nothing XXX yet, at least that I have seen), but now even the GOP is trying to horn in on the action. I can understand there are people out there with way more money than fucking sense, like people with Hummers, anyone who spends more than twenty bucks a month downloading various ringtones and other forms of fuckery on their cell phones, people with more than three ribbon magnets on their vehicle, Britney Spears...the list goes on three days past forever.

No way I can reconcile in my mind someone spending ten grand on concert tickets, not for the Rolling Stones, not for some kid lip synching Disney jingles and keeping her dad just this side shy of milk carton territory, not even for the reanimated corpse of Jim fucking Morrison. Not to mention, this has to be the lamest play for political favor ever. Bar none. Couldn't be a very fine line between hardcore lobbying and fighting back the bile as you sign a ten grand check so your kid can see the offspring of Billy Ray Cyrus, but I'd hate to think the winning team in the White House next year hitched their wagon to this in the name of fundraising.

Then again, I suppose it could have been worse. The NRSC could have jumped behind Jamie Lynn Spears. Regardless of how much cash it would (or would not) have raised, you know the backpedaling would be priceless, and that kind of karma has always been non-refundable...