Children of an even lesser god?

I've said it before, and after reading this story, it bears repeating- the worst thing to ever happen to religion was the organization of it. When you have gaggles of people...we'll call them the faithful, running around to gain some measure of faith from an "image" of the Virgin Mary or of Christ on a fucking toaster bagel, even those hints of a higher purpose seem to go by the wayside.

Now comes word of a new vision drawing flocks of people on a mission to lay eyes on a "miracle." I know what you are probably thinking at this point. Pray tell, what manner of delicious breakfast food or tasty snack cake did a religious icon deliver divine intervention upon?

There's the problem. This story takes place in India, so it's not a food. The only food they pray to is perfectly content to watch them die of starvation, but appreciates the heck out of the prayers. Nope, the faithful in India don't have time to find food they can't eat for fear of damnation (or bad karma...I forget how that works), they needs a big-time vision, something that can't be easily dismissed like a piece of toast or some mold on the door of a fridge.

So what relatively mundane object did everybody get thee in front of and stare it with breathless hope? Would you believe the fucking sun? Somehow, I can believe this, as well as I can believe that nearly fifty people have blinded themselves what could either be called a stunning example of God's cruel design, or fits of dumbass rapture. The Kottayam district has reported patients streaming in with burnt retinas from eyeballing the sun. Churches have lept into action, warning their congregation of the downside to sungazing. I have to wonder, though, how many people are actually listening. I mean, what does the church know about miracles?

The image is reported to appear in the sky over the house formerly owned by a hotel owner. Of course, this guy had also said, at one time, that he had statues of the Virgin Mary that cried honey and bled oils and perfumes, so everything seems just a tad coincidental there, and last time I checked, a coincidence is a far cry from a miracle. All I can advise the people in that part of the third world, I mean India, is that next time you see the light, just nod and move on...no sense blinding yourself just because you're a god-fearin person and all.

Gazing into the void once again...

And lo, the skies opened up, and with a moist, room temperature plop!, the word was out- Paris Hilton is returning to television. It was if an occult hand had decided to smack the easy button, rather than just release another god-awful sex tape or similarly god-awful CD. Of course, this project is the perfect fit for Hilton, as it requires no talent whatsoever. Paris Hilton is talentless in spades. See? They were made for each other.

According to Us Weekly, either MTV or VH1 will pick up the as-yet unnamed show, where Hilton is going to be searching for a new best friend. Because we all know that merely dating your ex-best friend's boyfriend's brother is just not going to fill the void. Insert your own Paris Hilton/void punchline here.

Don't worry, though. You knew once we got to bad, it was only going to be a hop, skip, and a jump away from worse.

Chris Crocker, whom the World Entertainment News Network called an "Internet comedian" in the article I read, has apparently bellied back up to the attention trough.

Crocker, the one person on this planet, this mudball I find even less funny than Tom Green, recently admitted that he would go straight if Britney Spears wanted to date him. First off, I don't think he could pull that off even if he wanted to. Not a chemistry thing, but talent. Crocker didn't even pass for mildly fucking amusing in his now-famous YouTube video, so I doubt seriously he could turn in even a one-star performance as a heterosexual.

Secondly...let's be honest here, for Crocker's sake. I'm not trying to be the spokesman for the cause, or anything like that, but I feel I can safely speak for every other straight man out there when I say...

Seriously, Britney Spears is not worth it. Stay gay and bang Perez Hilton instead. Both chubby, both grating on the nerves to the point of a small stroke, so you'd be keeping the annoying celebrity humping festival going, AND we can breath easy, knowing there is no potential for anymore annoying celebrispawn. Let the hardcore vagina enthusiasts whose thirst for danger (or social disorder) knows no bounds do the heavy lifting.

Exorcism: back and better than ever!!!

You know how it is with these retro crazes, like all the stuff from the 70s coming back into vogue, for whatever reason. Now, exorcisms are back and better than ever in Europe. Where modern times had relegated the religious rite to movies like, well, The Exorcist, and lesser, more god awful fare like The Exorcism of Emily Rose, stories are emerging of a renewed emphasis on exorcisms and exorcist training. You can tell when a trend is ready to break big time when a celebrity imports it over with them. Britney Spears, for example, is rumored to have brought in an exorcist to battle her inner demons. Personally, makes more sense than hanging around Dr. Phil.

I could only imagine the exorcism of Britney Spears. Bring me a young priest, an old priest, thirteen priests to shoot pictures and shout asinine questions at her, one priest to get run over somehow, three priests to perform talking head duty on the late night news shows, one priest to tape a crazily overemotional video plea for YouTube, one priest to replace that priest when he scores a production deal and heads off for a press junket, and naturally, one priest to steal what's left, if any, of her homemade porno stash. Oh well. I suppose we'll have to wait until E! or Bravo launches Celebrity Exorcism this fall. Probably. Hear they've got Tom Sizemore and Jonny Fairplay for the pilot...

And what can we attribute to the sudden resurgence in the poularity of the rite of exorcism? God only knows, and He's been doing His level-headed best to keep Pat Robertson away from any significant media outlets. The Vatican revised and reinstated exorcism in 1999, after nearly 400 years on the shelf. Not even going to bother to ask why anyone, let alone the Vatican felt this was necessary, as the actions of fundamentalists have failed to surprise me for three or four years (or more) now. Then again, when you see an era in organized religion where you have churches being sued for excessive force by their security (you read that right- Southeast Christian Church in Louisville, Kentucky has two such suits in the works against them), I suppose drastic measures may be needed.

Of course, you may be asking yourself "I don't know. Is exorcism right for me? Should I ask a doctor if I'm healthy enough for religious activity?" Man, I hope you are not asking yourself that. Seriously. If so, try looking under "padded wallpaper" in the yellow pages.

Warning signs, according to Rev. Wieslaw Jankowski of the Institute for Studies on the Family in Warsaw, Poland, include leaving the church for New Age therapies or alternative religions, becoming a yoga devotee, or addiction to the Internet. Yeah, I hear you, there. I have often said the road to hell is paved with pilates. Only a very small number attain "full" possession, where they talk in tongues, gain super strength, or think they are a recording artist.

Of course, as with anything, there is the easy way and the hard way. Much is made of the negatives associated with exorcisms, especially when dealing in hard exorcisms, where most injuries, sexual abuse, and the occasional death come from. The norm seems to be the "soft" exorcism, entailing holy water, sacrament, and scripture reading, which can take up to several hours, depending on the attention span of all parties involved, I imagine. Heck of a way to spend a Sunday afternoon, I'll grant you, but you have to have something to do in that awkward pause until football season starts up again.

There have been conflicting reports on whether or not the Vatican is fully behind the new exorcism initiative, with one Vatican official denying any such movement to train more exorcists. At the same time, there are concentrated efforts underway in Australia and Europe, where a center dedicated to preforming exorcisms is being planned. There is even an International Congress of Exorcists, a convention of practioners now in its fourth year. That's gotta be the wildest week ever at the Budget Inn.

Rev. Gabriele Amorth, 82, for example, is the Vatican's Exorcist-in-Chief. Why would there be need for a Chief Exorcist if there is no exorcism drive underway? Seriously, from what I am seeing, it does not appear to be an honorary title, as Amorth says he conducts exorcisms daily in Rome. Wow. Wonder if they still have a couple of Inquisitioners hiding in the shadows, dishing out Pulp Fiction-style Catholicism. Amorth himself in interviews have confirmed the plans being kicked around, saying ideally each diocese would have a group of priests trained in exorcism. Again, wow. Who would have thought the Exorcist-in-Chief would be a loose cannon?

Rev. Amorth went on to say that "people don't pray anymore, they don't go to church, they don't go to confession. The devil has an easy time of it. There's a lot more devil worship, people interested in satanic things and seances, and less in Jesus. Too many bishops are not taking this seriously and are not delegating their priests in the fight against the devil. You have to hunt high and low for a proper, trained exorcist.

I hear ya, Padre. Glad to see someone's kicking around a No Exorcism Left Behind program at long last. What the heck, if there's enough room in the market, I'll even volunteer to serve as the "celebrity exorcist" for the aforementioned reality show premise. I am already ordained (since 1999) thanks to the Internet, the Universal Life Church, and my printer, and my technique is flawless. The perfect technique for curing celebridemonic behavior. It involves a powdered hand and repeated smacks in the face. If that doesn't pan out, I'll launch my new "exorcism-by-email" service, but house calls run by-the-hour or by-the-pound, depending on the case.

Go in peace.